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Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook Page

January 8, 2011

Ever since the Facebook redesign about 6 weeks ago, I’ve noticed a few pretty small changes. The most obnoxious might be the smallest. Instead of saying where you graduated from, it simply says “Studied at.” Which threw me for something of a loop. I guess it’s more egalitarian to put “Studied at” for everyone rather than delineate between “Graduated from” and “Couldn’t get their shit together to graduate from.”

So I chalked it up to Facebook trying to please the masses, until, on a whim, I looked at Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page. His page says “Studied at Harvard,” which is technically correct. He did study at Harvard. In case you don’t know the story of Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, it goes like this:

Mark Zuckerberg wanted to join a social house at Harvard, but was kind of nerdy, so he ended up starting something called FaceMash, which was noticed by two guys who rowed crew…

I’m just kidding. Go see The Social Network if you don’t know the story. I hear good things!

Anyway, did Zuckerberg change the education designation on people’s profiles to “Studied at” because he’s ashamed that he didn’t graduate from college? At the risk of speculating, he ABSOLUTELY did. Boy Wonder’s got an inferiority complex. If he couldn’t hack it in college, I don’t think this guy will ever find success in the real world. Maybe Google will hire him or something. Anyway, just a random observation while viewing Zuck’s page.

Zuckerberg likes gladiator movies. A lot. This can fall under the umbrella of “Zuck has the same taste in movies as an 11 year-old,” as well. He likes Gladiator, Troy, Hero, and Fearless. I’m not saying Zuck has a gladiator fetish or anything, but I do think that his choice in movies is odd. When everyone around Kirkland House (thank you, The Social Network) was sitting around smoking pot, wanting to watch The Big Lebowski, do you think Mark was like, “Guys let’s watch Troy again!  There’s some really cool stuff you missed last time cause you were talking!” He also enjoys the HBO miniseries “Rome.” While this might raise more questions than it answers, it certainly could explain why Mark Zuckerberg is wearing sandals all the time.

Also, he likes Troy and Gladiator, but no love for Alexander? His snub of Colin Farrell and this fine film can lead me to only one conclusion: Mark Zuckerberg hates the Irish. It’s clear as day.

His musical tastes are offensive only in that they are so uninspired that they make my heart sink. He likes John Mayer and U2. He likes All-American Rejects, which is just awful, and he likes Green Day. These choices say nothing about his personality. It’s as if Mark is simply saying, “I acknowledge the existence of music. Here are some popular bands.” He also likes Radiohead and LCD Soundsystem (the only thing we have in common between our profiles) which leads me to believe that his account may have been hacked by a more interesting person.

His “other” likes include Barack Obama, several sushi restaurants, a lot of Facebook crap that no one cares about, and most interestingly, the cryptic “I stay longer in the shower because the water is so warm.”

It’s this “like” that I would “like” to focus on. First, let’s look at the syntax. Truly baffling. Does he stay longer in the shower when the water is warm, or does he stay longer in the shower than he would somewhere else because the other place doesn’t have the warm water that Zuck finds oh-so-agreeable? It’s seriously a coin flip. Longer than WHAT, Mark?

I’m going to try one:

“I sleep less in the bed because it’s so uncomfortable.” Yay! Fun! I think the title of that like may have gone through a translator program to Japanese, then back to English. This word collection makes difficult uncertainty of understanding.

I’m not done yet. Why would he put that on his wall? Who needs to know this? Does he frequently stroll in late to the offices in Palo Alto with a relaxed smile on his face going, “Sorry I’m late, guys. The water in the shower today was soooooooo warm! It was really amazing.” Zuck likes warm showers. And it’s his right to. Let’s move on.

He likes Goldeneye 64 on N64, which is totally understandable. That game is amazing.

He likes The New York Times, which makes sense because he’s Jewish.

He likes Energizer batteries, which makes me a little upset that I don’t have a favorite type of battery.

He likes fencing, which makes sense cause he’s a tiny powerful white guy with curly hair. It begs the question though: Does he like sword sports because of his affinity for gladiator and ninja movies? Or vice versa. Cause there’s definitely a causal relationship there.

He likes the Yankees. That’s just dumb. That’s like liking the IRS or rooting for the house in blackjack.

He likes the West Wing. Even after Aaron Sorkin painted him in the not-most-flattering light in The Social Network. I’m beginning to think that Zuck doesn’t spend too much time on his Facebook page. Wouldn’t it be totally fucked if I spent more time on Facebook than its creator? It would explain why he has billions of dollars and I have this laptop.

He also likes “Eliminating Desire,” which leads me to believe I may have stumbled onto the Dali Lama’s Facebook page, or possibly Richard Gere’s.

I also really like the questions that Zuck answers under the “Questions” heading. Someone asks for good smoothie places. He helpfully suggests Jamba Juice. GOOD LOOKIN’ OUT, MARK!

He also asked the populace if Rihanna writes her own music. i would think the CEO of Facebook could just fly her in and ask her himself. Or at the very least ask Chris Brown. I heard he’s available.

Well gang, this has been fun and not-at-all tedious. Let’s never do it again. From the self-declared “Mark Zuckerberg of the bedroom”: Take care.

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