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Dear Whole Foods:

December 14, 2010

now that's fresh

To the Fine Folks at Whole Foods;

Please delicately alert your Financial Planning Dept to prepare themselves for a shift in their earnings this quarter. I’m sorry to inform you that I won’t be there for lunch every single weekday for the next few months. I know this will be quite a blow to your bottom line considering my:

-$13 salad-bar boxes. most often they are filled, ironically, with food that is globally popular due to it’s low cost of production; falafel, hummus, creamed corn (i mean DAMN, the government freaking PAYS us to grow CORN)…but that shit weighs alot, and that cute hand-chalked sign clearly states “7.99 a lb.” (except on wednesdays! woot woot!)

– $5 Pom Teas. i’m glad that pomegranate juice might be nature’s most perfect food, because it sure as hell is the planet’s most expensive.

– $$$$$ FYI: don’t add those marinated tofu cubes to that box made of 75% recycled material for Christ’s sakes, or you might as well be throwing 4 new tires from the Range Rover dealership on your salad.

– none of your chickens have suffered in tiny, dark cages. the pigs all lived in bucolic frolic chatting with friendly spiders, and the cows just had headaches and lied down in the grass and never woke up, so i lug home $40 worth of meat on St. Paddy’s day and i can sleep at night due to clear conscience vs. exorbitant amounts of beer.

– $1.99 a lb for LOCAL CHERRIES!!! wow that sound cheap!! and from just around the corner! and look at all those exclamation marks! and some brilliant little fucker in the back of the produce department managed to pre-pack all those cherries into plastic bundles that ended up costing me $9!! i’m still eating fucking cherries!!!

– Some super thoughtful dude named “Adam” has some really great taste in wine. he was kind enough to go around and place little cards on the really super yummy wines that he and his cultured wine friends were thoughtful enough to pre-taste for us. interestingly, some other, less thoughtful dude always seems to forget to put PRICE TAGS on the “ADAM’S PICKS” and i am left in gasping heap on the floor of the check out counter.

– pizza guy is hot. why is the pizza guy always so hot? and tattooed? and there is an ever- rotating supply of hot tattooed pizza guys? and the pizza is next to the wine….and across from the chocolate section. i can’t flirt with some DUDE that works at WHOLE FOODS, and i can’t drink WINE in the middle of the DAY and go back to WORK, and no way in HELL am i passing chocolate without immediate self-loathing. There must be some really manipulative woman hater in retail planning. genius.

So Whole Food peops, while i know you are doing much good around the world, i am going to have to let some other hapless working stiffs micro-fund Micronesia, and maybe i can save enough money to buy my OWN damned farm and grow my OWN damed food!!

In Vegetables and In Peace,
your old pal Kate

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