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Penn Spent 12 Hours at a Bar Drinking With Friends. For Posterity’s Sake, It Was Transcribed.

December 7, 2010

Let this piece read as Penn’s 62nd step in assuring he can’t get elected to so much as dog catcher in a Florida town. This was done almost one year ago to this day. He is happy with his public image. Also, let the record show, that I did leave money for the tab, but intentionally left $60 less than I owed, because my compatriots thought that Craig’s subsequent “going bitchcakes” would make for good copy.  Hat tip to my friends for their prescient hunch.


A few weeks ago, Zombie Senior Editors Penn Collins and Craig Carilli attempted to spend 12 hours at a new Irish Pub.  Many friends would join them at different points in the day while they kept a live blog of what transpired.  For the first four hours Craig and Penn joked, watched football, drank a lot of beers and made xenophobic remarks about the British people who stole their chairs. Three events would cause a drastic change in the nature of their 12 hour experiment:
1. Craig got insanely drunk
2. Penn left early
3. Craig got stuck with the tab.
The combination of these events would lead to a drunken meltdown by Craig.
Penn summed it up best.  “He hasn’t been the same since that day. He since bought a bird, but it flew away.  Some accounts say the bird flew off at 8:12pm, the exact time I left Craig at Dillon’s, taking his innocence with him.”  Enjoy.

11:25 am Got to Dillon’s. Ordered a couple beers. Craig is not bringing much to the table at the moment. Craig’s hair will almost certainly piss me off by the end of this exercise. I introduced Craig to a black guy. He seemed frazzled (Craig, not the black guy). -Penn Collins

11:30-12:05 I let Penn do all the typing and I gave him hilarious content. I’m the best. -Craig Carilli

11:45 We are watching Cincinnati vs Pittsburgh. Right now, 12 hours is sounding better on paper than in practice. Miller time. -PC

11:50 Found out that there is a set of triplets working at Dillon’s. They all worked together and share a resume. HOT! I need to find out their names before I get too drunk. I have about 45 minutes… – PC

12:06 pm Very cute waitresses in plaid skirts and knee high socks. I can’t wait to drunkenly leer. It’s going to be awesome. Halfway through 1st beer and I already think our waitress loves me. -CC

12:10 I will never be able to get over the weather in LA and how not conducive it is to locking yourself indoors and drinking while watching football. Which is actually my favorite thing to do. Runyon Canyon is for porn stars and people who value small dogs more than dignity. -PC

12:14 I asked Penn if we should try all 42 beers in the bar. This can only end well. So far Guinness, Blue Moon, Bud Light, Modelo Especial and Stella have been the pints sampled. I hope everyone enjoys my first and last visit to Dillon’s. -CC

12:15 Craig had the brilliant idea of drinking every beer on their tap menu (there are 42) while we are here. I don’t know why I hang out with him. I’m gonna select the worst beers for him. And stick him with the tab. -PC

12:20 Predictions: Bills, Saints, Rams, Dolphins, Vikings, Jets Bengals, Broncos, Falcons, Cowboys and I predict the Stadium collapses at the Chiefs-Raiders game.. Another prediction – I make Craig cry. -PC

12:24 Just checked my fantasy football scores. I’m addicted to this shit in the worst way. Maybe next week I can do 12 hours on my couch watching football and checking fantasy football every 5 minutes. Anyone interested in that? -CC

12:25 Jenny, the Director of Operations at Dillon’s, informed me that Dillon’s now carries toothpicks and mints. That probably warrants a cover in a future issue. -PC

12:30 Listening to The Eagles “Life in the Fast Lane”. Can’t believe the same guys who encouraged us to “take it easy” are extolling the virtues of life in the fast lane. Pick a side guys, otherwise you’ll never get popular. -PC

12:43 Craig just asked if he was more like a stealth fighter or a stealth bomber. He’s more like a C-130 cargo plane. He agreed. -PC

12:45 Biggest drawbacks to Dillon’s – it’s so new, I don’t know the locations of all the exits. If terrorists take this place over like in “Toy Soldiers”, I don’t like my odds. -PC

12:46 Penn’s freaking out about terrorists again. -CC

the gang

12:47 Mo, the bar manager, liked our idea to try every beer, so he just brought us a shot of each beer on tap. Only 42 beer shots and we’re free. Drunk tank, Drunk tank. -CC

12:48 First beer shot done and a whole tray of them left. Fuck, no bucket in sight.  I need an adult. -PC

12:48 First shot of beer was Coor’s Light. Not bad in shot form, they should sell 1 1/2 oz. cans. I’d drink a sixer. -CC

12:49 Fourth shot tasted like cherry. I hope it was a cherry beer, otherwise, I might be having a stroke. Everything smells like burnt hair. -PC

12:50 Had 3rd beer shot, I think it was Blue moon and I have a full pint of Blue Moon waiting for me after shot fest. Fuck this was a horrible idea. -CC

12:52 Just saw a Kenny G. look alike with a Leno chin and a soul patch. What a bunch of assholes, Leno, G and this guy who looks like their love child. -CC

12:53 Celebrity we are most likely to see here: Hal Holbrook. Celebrity we are least likely to see here: Phil Hartman. -PC

12:54 Pretty sure bar staff just violated a health code by offering $50 for us to eat french fry from the floor. They must think my tolerance is shit. I’ll show‘em. -PC

12:57 Just drank a shot of Bourbon beer, pretty sure Moe is fucking with me. -CC

12:59 My guess is that we are not going to see the dregs of the Hollywood underbelly that we so embrace. The people here look nice and friendly that walk through the door. Then again it’s 1 pm on Sunday. Maybe we should just wait. I fear that Craig and I might comprise the seedy component at the moment. -PC

1:02 Craig just went to the bathroom. I hope it’s a twosy, cause I could use some peace. -PC

1:03 Bad news, it was just a whiz…he’s back. -PC

1:09 Lots of children coming in the door with families. I think I’m gonna steal one and sell it on the black market. What race gets the highest premium? -PC

1:10 Craig says that Canadian babies are Canada’s version of American babies. He then stressed the analogy of Canadian bacon being like American Ham. I think we’re losing Craig. -PC

1:11 I think Canadian babies would get the highest price. They are polite and might receive free health care. -PC

1:12 British white trash family just sat down next to us. I boldly and loudly asked them to join us. The BWTM (British White Trash Matriarch) of the family immediately turned her chair away from me. -CC

1:15 Craig just told me he was sick of being bullied his whole life and that today they would all be sorry. Everyone is interested to see how this plays out. -PC

1:16 I may not make it. Please don’t tell Penn. -CC

1:18 Craig tried to say due diligence and ended up saying Dues Dillon’sgence, which is totally appropo. -PC

1:21 I want to offer Craig $20 to give the British family next to us a 1 hour course on the intricacies of American football. He won’t do it cause I’m not sure he knows the rules himself. -PC

1:27 British family next to me disproves the assertion that everything sounds classier with a British accent. -PC

1:28 Seriously, they look like the workers in the boiler room of the titanic if you wiped off all the soot. Even the baby. -PC

1:29 Thinking about causing an international incident, not sure exactly what it’ll be yet, but you can be assured there will be some angry British accented words hurled in my direction. -CC

1:30 British guy just stole one of our chairs….WITHOUT asking. I’m going to call in the Canadians and Indians and French and re-enact the French and Indian war on his ass. PLEASE FACT CHECK THIS!!!! -PC

1:32 Back to football….Aaron Rodgers has a prosthetic nose for reasons indeterminate. Back to the limeys….. -PC

1:33 Somebody is about to get stink eyed.-CC

1:34 Pretty sure these asshole are related to Bear Grylls. -CC

1:35 British Baby sounds like a goose. Want to see its genitals to be sure though. -PC


Fellow Zombie writer Chris Anstett arrives at the bar.

1:36 Thank God Chris is here. Now I can finally bitch about Penn to someone. -CC

1:37 Craig spoke to the British family while I was getting up to use the whizatorium. Pretty sure he was talking about me while I was gone. WHAT DID HE TELL THEM? -PC

1:41 About to beat Craig with the shots. HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW ITS A RACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! -PC

1:43 Chris just offered to do a bunch of drugs for this piece. I think that’s his way of trying to take my drugs. -PC

1:43: Shot number 15 and I think it was Miller Lite. Holy shit that warm devil shut my entire body down. Apparently my insides are on strike. -CC

1:44: That last entry was terrible. I’m going on break for 30 minutes until I regroup. -CC

1:44 Athlete’s foot is caused by the Jews. More to follow…. -PC

1:48 Chris – Wade Phillips looks like a granddad. Penn – Wade Phillips looks like a NEW granddad. -PC

1:51 Panicking cause I can’t remember where my baseball cards are stored. There’s a Ken Griffey Jr rookie card in there!!! -PC

1:54 Chris isn’t wearing socks. I’m worried he’s really poor. -PC

2:06 Funniest thing the fox robot could do. Chris says if the fox robot was sucking its own dick, then walks off the screen sheepishly after being caught on camera. I think it would be if the robot became self aware and just now realized that it was being video taped living its life a la the Truman Show. I also think if we just watched the robot take an Ambien, drink a glass of wine and go to sleep. Chris – the robot turns out to be an agent of skynet. That would take a lot of back story. -PC

2:07: After watching the same 2 1/2 Men promo for the 3rd time we’ve decided 2 things. Charlie Sheen’s character loves the ladies and the title of the show refers to Charlie and his penis as the 2 and Jon Cryer as the 1/2. -CC

2:29 The three triplets combine for one very attentive waitress. -PC

2:31 I might hate Penn, thank god we only have 9 hours to go. -CC

2:37 I’m starting to get horny. This will get worse before it gets better. Craig doesn’t seem like he would put up much of a fight. -PC

2:43 British people remain, but the woman and the baby are gone. Possible international human trafficking incident unraveling. -PC

2:44 Just looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom and I’m looking pretty good today. -CC

2:45 Craig just walked back. He really looks awful today. -PC

2:57 Craig is calling all the girls in the bar “Jenny”. I think I need to re-introduce him to Jenny. -PC

3:00 Penn’s hair is really uptight -CC

3:03 Penn talking to British people watching cowboy game. Told them “this is what you refer to as soccer.” –Chris Anstett

3:04 Craig to hostess: “What’s the whore situation like here?” He’s gonna get us kicked out too soon. -PC

3:06 Gonnna wait till everyone is drunker until I tell them I don’t have my wallet and even if I did, all my cards are maxed out and I’m broke. -PC

3:12 We’re wearing Larry Fitzgerald and Shaquille O’neal jerseys, cause, you know…it’s an Irish bar. -PC

3:14 Chris and Penn’s humor is a spotty as their friendship with me. Cliquey motherfuckers, just found out they hiked Runyon Canyon yesterday without me. -CC

3:15 Watched a very attractive young dark haired waitress fix the skirt of our lovely new blond waitress. Dillon’s is my new church. -CC

3:17 Craig’s beard is as spotty as his humor….-PC

3:26 Chris just asked Craig if he is gonna be around for thanksgiving. Craig invited him to thanksgiving out of guilt. This is awkward. -PC

3:27 Craig sleeps in his car when he goes on “vacation”. He’s saying a lot of things that can’t be unsaid. -PC

3:32 Penn just told me to slow down on my drinking. This is not going to end well. -CC

3:36 Chris just asked me the Latin root of negotiate. He’s getting slapped. -CC

3:43 Penn talking to Jenny about Craig’s patchy beard / pubic hair. –CA

3:46 Friends that promised to show up haven’t. Why don’t they want to see me get drunk and type and make fun of them? -PC

At this point it should be noted that Penn and Craig switch from beer to Red Bull and Vodka.  They will not go back to beer.

3:47 Craig requested me to tear him down. I’m about to. Step 1: discuss his job prospects. -PC

3:50 Chris just ordered the sushi grade Ahi Tuna salad. I always prefer the weapons grade tuna. -CC

3:52 Craig, “Tall Craig”, as Short Craig likes to call him, just showed up with his friend Penny Laine. –CA

3:59 Tall Craig wants to know which one is our waitress.  I’m the only one capable of pointing her out. –CA

4:02 For clarification purposes, all insults directed to “Craig” are directed to “Short Craig.” –CA

4:04 I can’t tell if these toddlers are 18 yet. IT’S KILLING ME!!!! -PC

4:09 Not drinking so I can start my car, fucking parole. –CA

4:10 Just ate an avocado fry. It might be the tastiest food I’ve ever eaten. -CC

4:12 Craig announces he’s from Northern California, not Tennessee as we all assumed. So now the beard and the constant moonshine drinking and the no shoes are even more perplexing. –CA

4:15 Dillon’s loved us earlier, now they seem to tolerate us and later we’re most likely to be escorted off the premises. -CC

4:30 The wheels are coming off. -CC

penn drinking

4:34 I’m feeling left out. Two Craigs here, one Penn, one Penny. and just one Chris. -CA

4:47 Craig explaining to Jenny the polite way to stare at an ass at a bar. Involves an “obligatory look around the bar first.”–CA

4:55 Thinking of the phrase “Mr. Collins’ Opus” and can’t stop giggling. These guys would reduce me to tears if they knew what really made me laugh.- PC

5:15 Just had really long internal monologue about whether I should slick my hair back on special occasions. Not sure how to express this to my friends. –CA

5:16 Think all the waitresses have nylon shorts on under their skirts. My writerly observation skills at work. -CA

5:19 Penny Laine says she is only drinking while her shoulder hurts. She has had three scotches. No one seems to be questioning her. We are all very polite. -PC

5:21 Posing the question to the group, if you could adopt any name as your own, what would it be. Chris: Andre Spumante. Penn: Brandon Steele. Tall Craig: Dean Roger. Lil’ Craig: Charlie Onetime. Penny: Eva Silverstone -PC

5:26 I’m sheveled and combobulated. -PC

5:30 7th trip to the bathroom found me pissing on ice cubes. Fun fact of the night, Dillon’s ice’s down the urinal’s after 5pm. -CC

5:32 Drunk enough to pose the question: who’s the hottest quarterback in the NFL. Chris: Matt Ryan. Jenny says Mark Sanchez. Lil’ Craig said he just wants to be with someone who is important, because he knows he’s not. -PC

5:45 My friend Mazi just showed up, he doesn’t know he’ll be taking over the writing soon. -CC

5:54: Just finished listening to Avril Lavigne over the football game.  I might be too drunk to handle this with civility. -CC

5:55 Craig just found the hole in my pants and said, “Don’t give me a target and expect me not to pounce.”–CA

5:59 Turned off the music. Kudos to Dillon’s. I’ve started drinking Jameson’s. -CC

6:30 Penn is a big lying pussy. He’s leaving us to go see an Avril Lavigne concert. -CC

6:34 Apparently it’s not Avril Lavigne, but something close to it. Oh the horror. The horror. -CC

Friend of Zombie, Mazi, takes over the majority of the writing duties because Chris has to leave, Penn is leaving shortly and Craig is about to lose his mind.

6:42 This place has an interesting mix. Drunk guys running around screaming for sports and one little old lady with her two grandchildren straight from the Pantages Theater next door waiting for a table. “Grandma I loved the Lion king, but why is that fat man in the Eagles jersey pissing in the corner.” -Mazi Jamal


6:22 Craig is well over thirty, not Asian and yet still can’t grow a grown man’s beard. -MJ

6:25 I look like John Belushi 3 hours after he died. -CC

6:31 I feel like some one kicked me in the chest with a foot made of bourbon. -MJ

7:38 Got invited to meet the chef in the kitchen and take a picture with him. Told him at least 3 times that the food was horrible as a joke. I don’t know if he got it. -CC

7:17 I love it. These guys are somewhere between amiably joking and corporal punishment. The line between the two thinning by the cocktail. -MJ

7:23 Design flaw in the bar. Much liquor, and no locks on the receivers or supervision of the remote controls. I wanna steal one, but I may or may not be that much of a deuschbag. (Does anyone really know how to spell d-bag? Oh my god that’s why people write d-bag!) -MJ

7:35 Craig just yelled at me for letting our lovely waitress take the last half inch of his whiskey. Little does he know that I drank it. -MJ

7:40 Why are there people who walk into a bar with that face that says “Why are you so drunk?”. Especially when they came to get themselves drunk. Were not too drunk. They’re just too late. We should give them the face that says “Why are you so late?”. -MJ

8:30 Some girl in the corner just screamed we don’t need more scotch. -MJ

8:40-9:00 The boys’ lovely waitress is going home and needs to settle up the tab. Penn is gone and Craig has to pay it. He is not handling this well. In fact he handles it like a crazed bear trying to read a bar tab. The whiskey and vodka are running the show.  After much delay and shouting he pays the bill.  Below are his girlfriend’s posts during this time.

8:45 Craig is insane.

8:55 Large bill still not being paid.

9:20-11:00 Craig shouts, rants and rehashes the days events, repeatedly.

2009-11-15 22.17.43

Zombie editor-in-chief, Adam Albright-Hanna, showed up for the last couple of hours and was able to wrap up the final events of the evening.

I missed most of the day’s activities as I was traveling that day and didn’t get back to LA until pretty late Sunday.  Penn kept texting me to come down so I said, “Fuck it” and drove over. The first thing I noticed was that Craig was in some serious talks about how to split this massive tab. Craig told me that Penn had left and had not chipped in for the tab, stiffing Craig with the entire bill. Then, Craig told me again what Penn had done. Then he repeated this no less then 200 more times over the next two hours, only stopping to threaten to go to take a picture of a guy he thought looked like Wee-Bey from “The Wire”. His girlfriend and I finally convinced him it was time to leave. As we were walking out, a Dillon’s manager gave Craig and big hug and said, “This guy made it for 12 hours, he’s awesome!” Craig responded by screaming about how shitty Penn was and that we were making him leave 20 minutes early.

Thank you to Dillon’s and all your staff. We had a great time and thank you for your patience in dealing with a drunken, crazed bear.


3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 8, 2010 1:05 pm

    Man i love Bitchcakes, the white chocolate raspberry are the best.

  2. December 8, 2010 1:15 pm

    OH. MY. GOD i can’t continue for fear of blowing out my perfectly good diaphragm for laughing (i meant the one related to your lungs, but i guess i could be referring to an 80’s birth control device as well. i laugh hard)

    • penncollins permalink
      December 8, 2010 1:22 pm

      I told you. It’s fucking hilarious. I want to do another 12 hour drinking thing in January. It’s too easy to come up with this gold.

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