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Overrated, Underrated, and Properly Rated.

December 3, 2010

This is a new segment on Well, every segment is new, but pay special attention to this one, because the premise seems thin, so I’ll probably never do it again.

If you’re not a total mouthbreather, then you should be able to glean the topic of this post. I’m going to look at things that are rated and discuss how accurately the world has rated these things.

Wikileaks – Overrated

I’m assuming all the ado over this cute little site is overrated because it sounds painfully boring, and I REALLY don’t want to learn or understand it. This guy creates transparency in government. that’s good. He unilaterally gets to decide if the information he is sharing is a possible material threat to an entire nation. That’s bad. Guys named “Julian” shouldn’t have that kind of power. Guys named Julian should have no more responsibility than “assistant dog whisperer.”

Elimination of Happy Meals – Properly Rated

I don’t think kids should be fat little doughballs that breathe like Tony Soprano every time they reach for their Xbox controller, so I’m on board with the end result. Fat kids are cute, but not when they’re hooked up to breathing machines. However, what I hate more than prepubescent pudgeballs is the government telling me and my illegitimate children where I can eat. That’s Zagat’s job, not city hall’s.

There will be a time when my son Herbert is being an insufferable little shit, and I need to pack his pretty pink cheeks with a burger cooked in beef tallow, french fries cooked in beef tallow, and a poorly-made toy, possibly made of beef tallow. Herbert will eat this and shut up. I suppose that I could get the same result with apple slices, but the problem is that I will have to forcibly shove apple slices in the little bastard’s mouth until he can’t speak. So we’ve eliminated one vice (processed foods) for another (me aggressively shoving produce in children’s mouths.) I’m okay with it if you are.

Strutting – Underrated

You can’t tell much about a person by their walk anymore, and that should stop immediately. People walk the same way now. Black and white people even walk the same, which is ridiculous, cause at this point in the article, I should be able to a drop in a “black people walk like this/white people walk like this” joke right now, but I can’t.

There’s no pizzazz in walking anymore, and it sucks because that’s one less thing I can use to judge a person’s character without actually talking to them. I’m not saying we should get overkill and start building repertoires of hundreds of walks to match our every specific mood (“I’m walking this way ’cause I was satisfied with last night’s Grey’s Anatomy season finale!”), but let’s start with strutting if things are going well. Strutting is a difficult art, though. Too little strut and you look regular. Too much strut and you could look like anything from a peppy zombie to a guy practicing walking on the moon. Here’s how it’s done:

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Did you say “PEPPY ZOMBIE”? I thought you said “PREPPY ZOMBIE” (aren’t they playing at El Rey on Thursday?)

– Kate

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