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Hola Amigos! Inappropriate Ways to Hire Home Depot Parking Lot Day Laborers

December 3, 2010

dudes, i just need an orchid for my guest room

I live down the street from the Hollywood Home Depot. Any time I pull into the parking lot, 5 Mexican guys fling themselves onto my windshield in an effort to be employed for whatever project I happen to be mired in. Now, I appreciate a strong work ethic as much as anyone. PROACTIVE doesn’t even begin to describe these guys. But I always feel guilty because I am never at Home Depot for any heavy lifting-type jobs that I could hire these dudes for.

Last night I made a Home Depot run to buy a Christmas tree. It was really cold and a group of guys were sort of huddled together under a street lamp, imploring me with their eyes in a more passive aggressive manner than their usual tactics. The guilt..it cut like a knife.*

I asked myself, could I not hire a few of them for the types of jobs a young Hollywood professional female REALLY needs?

Decorating the Christmas Tree – let’s be honest, hanging up those ornaments in an aesthetically pleasing manner…WITHOUT dumping needles all over the floor, well..it’s a real pain in the ass. I’d rather sit on the couch with a glass of eggnog, watching the Peanuts Christmas…wouldn’t YOU? “A little to the left with the ’85 Hallmark, Fernando.”

YOU’RE SO RACIST IT MAKES ME SAD SOMETIMES. BUT FROM A PRACTICAL STANDPOINT, THIS IS A HORRIBLE IDEA BECAUSE HISPANICS ARE CRAZY SHORT. THERE’S A LOWE’S IN MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA THAT HAS REALLY TALL ABORIGINES THAT WOULD WORK OUT WELL, BUT I THINK YOU WOULD HAVE TO TEACH THEM ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

-Penn

Keeping my closet organized – a few trips ago to the H.D. was to buy some closet organizers. I have a tiny place. I have even tinier closets. I have a SHIT LOAD of clothes. This causes MUCH stress in my life. What are the chances that one of the parking lot crew is gay? And CLOSETED? Pretty high. What could be more perfect for a closeted gay than to work on my closets?

GAY PEOPLE HATE CLOSETS.

Designated Driver – actually, this one is fricking brilliant, if you ask me. I might start an agency. It’s Hollywood. There must be at least 300 bars and restaurants within a few square miles. 90% of car accidents happen within 2 blocks of home.  The average DUI costs around $10,000. You do the math. (only rule: NO MEXICAN ROCK MUSIC)

I HATE THAT STATISTIC “90% OF ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WITHIN X MILES OF HOME” OF COURSE MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN CLOSE TO YOUR HOME. MOST TRIPS HAPPEN CLOSE TO YOUR HOME. THERE’S A REASON I’M NOT CONSTANTLY GETTING IN WRECKS IN VANCOUVER…

I FLIP OUT WHEN MY FRIENDS DRIVE MY CAR, SO I THINK THAT TURNING MY KEYS OVER TO A DUDE OF INDETERMINATE LATINAMERICAN ORIGIN AND QUESTIONABLE LEVELS OF INSURANCE IS NOT EXACTLY A GIANT LEAP TOWARDS PIECE OF MIND. FURTHER, WHAT THE BALLS ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THE GUY WHILE HE’S AT THE BAR WITH YOU? HE WON’T BE DRINKING, SO HE’LL JUST BE THERE, HANGING OUT. PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE LIKE THAT DRUG DEALER IN BOOGIE NIGHTS WITH THE ASIAN FIRECRACKER KID. ACTUALLY, IF YOU NAME YOUR DAY LABORER “COSMO” THEN I COULD BE CONVINCED.

Tax Shelter – I’m guessing a few of these gentlemen may be in need of a green card. My taxes are through the roof. For that matter, so is my health and car insurance. I hear wedding bells. Te Amo!

SHELTER? ROOF? DAY LABORERS? YOU HAVE ALL THE MAKINGS OF A SECOND-RATE PUN HERE AND YOU FAILED TO RUN WITH IT. I CAN’T GET OVER THE IDEA OF YOU LIVING WITH AN (EFFFECTIVELY) MUTE CONSTRUCTION WORKER TO SAVE 500 BUCKS PER MONTH. KEIRA KNIGHTLY IS MY TAX SHELTER. I’M GONNA GET THAT SHIRT MADE.

*speaking of “cuts like a knife”…a couple of years ago i attended a holiday party, and there on the couch sat none other than Bryan Adams himself. He was very small and very..er…pock marked. He was with a large woman in an even larger cowboy hat, and the host told me he was a complete dick and cheated on her mercilessly while they were dating. NA NA NAAAA NA NA NA NAAA NAAAA….


BIZARRE GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS FOR “HOME DEPOT DAY LABORER”:

it wouldn't surprise me to him loafing around there these days, actually

i mean, where ELSE can a world famous 15 year old get totally wasted, without getting hassled, other than good ole' HOME DEPOT!!

 

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. December 3, 2010 6:33 pm

    Penn, I am upset that you suggest that I am a racist. You know me well enough to know that I judge people on exactly how dumb or unattractive they are, black, white, brown or…um…pink.

  2. December 3, 2010 6:44 pm

    Wait…pink? I don’t descriminate against people with high blood pressure, Irish potato farmers or newborn babies. (Well I have been known to give a hard time to a few ugly babies).

    • penncollins permalink
      December 4, 2010 11:07 pm

      You are a horrible racist. When we went on the small world ride at Disneyland, I’d never heard so many epithets come from one person. And that person was you.

      I liked you better when you judged people based on how much money they had. Remember when we were walking downtown, and I saw that homeless lady and when I leaned over to give her a dollar for a sandwich, and you shoved me away from her, then started kicking her and SCREAMING, “I hate you because you’re poor!” Classic Kate!

  3. December 5, 2010 3:16 pm

    Dude, this is totally misguided. That was Patrick Bateman in “American Psycho”. I would never yell at homeless people for being poor. (as long as they are smart and somewhat attractive. although, last time i found myself thinking a homeless guy was attracted, i realized that it had been WAY to long since i had gotten laid.)
    For the record, Los Angeles homeless people are the best dressed homeless people in America. I think it has something to do with the fashion district being located directly next to skid row. Last year i saw a very thin old man with a long white beard clad in a black spandex turtle neck (cropped), low rise girl’s jeans, and Uggs. yes…Uggs.

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