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A Horrible, Horrible Gift Guide

December 3, 2010

The holiday season…is upon us. And that means our favorite magazines, Time, Rolling Stone, American Grizzly all seem to drop their journalistic efforts to tell us what we should buy for other people. And they don’t do this because they are trying to be helpful. They do this because people want to buy magazines with gift guides. There’s a fundamental flaw in the logic behind the purveyors of these gift guides. They assume that everyone out there wants “good” gift suggestions. They assume that we like the people we are buying gifts for.

I vacillate wildly between “like” and “dislike” when it comes to my individual friends and family. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to feel about my father on December 25th. But because I’ve only had access to gift guides that assume I’m going to like him, I’ve only been steered in the direction of purchasing a good, thoughtful gift for him. No longer, dear reader(s).

All those other magazines can fight over the same pie, we will take the bitter, jilted, and alienated people which, by our estimates, comprise over 51% of the population and over 72% of the population of the island of Manhattan. If our website crashes due to high traffic, please be patient and keep trying.

Bad Gift #1 – A Donation in Their Name to a White Power Group

Especially effective if your recipient is not white. I suggest the National Alliance, cause it’s the creepiest site out there still looks like a GeoCities site. I guess in the Venn Diagram of White Supremacists and web designers, there isn’t much overlap.

Bad Gift #2 – Unexplained Baby Powder

Baby powder is a bullshit gift. Baby powder with no explanation is a horrible, horrible mindfuck that will cause the recipient to wonder what you think is wrong with them and if everyone else thinks there’s something wrong with them too. It wouldn’t hurt to couple this with a bottle of very expensive port for the most confusing gift pack ever.

Bad Gift #3 – Medieval Times Gift Certificate

I would be super-duper-mega-stoked to get a gift like this, but not everyone likes to drink and scream at horses as much as I do. This is good for rich people, cause rich people hate hanging out with poor people unless it’s on their terms. They like rodeos and kitschy things like that when it’s their idea, but when it’s someone else’s, they get bitter as the dark Swiss chocolate they give as gifts. This gift is actually two parts. You give them the gift card, then you repeatedly ask them if they’ve gone yet. As you pester them, reveal off-putting details of the experience to them, like how they have to eat poorly-cooked dark meat chicken with their hands and how the drinks totally suck but cost like $13 bucks anyway. But then tell them that it’s a good thing that the drinks are so expensive because cops park outside the parking lot and give tons of people DUI’s. Something like that.

Bad Gift #4 – A Car That’s Worse Than the One They Already Have

The logic behind this is obvious, but I’ve got time on my hands so here we go: You can’t sell a gift. That’s a rule. You certainly can’t quietly sell a car without the giver knowing. So they have to keep your dumb car. And if they live in the city, they might have to pay for a parking spot in which to store your dumb car. This gift could actually cost them a lot of money. Then, later on, you steal the car with a copy of the key you kept. Then you tell them two weeks later that you stole the car and you want to split the insurance money with them. They won’t say no, cause they want the money and don’t want you to give the car back. And then they’re party to insurance fraud. This is a gift that could actually destroy their life.

Bad Gift #5 – Season One of “Mad Men”

If the recipient hasn’t already seen “Mad Men”, they are probably completely sick of people telling them how awesome it is and how that it’s “so much better than all of the other crap that’s on TV.” People who say this almost always make a reference to “Two and a Half Men” as an example of the crap on TV. The recipient will then put “Mad Men” on their shelf, that stupid box staring them down every time they walk through their living room. That little box will judge you and laugh at you just like that Soloflex from three Hanukkahs ago.

Bad Gift #6 – Anything Christmas-related

Here’s an ornament. By the time you get to use it, 350 days from now, you will have forgotten where it came from.

Bad Gift #7 – A Fancy Pen or Lighter

“When you lose this gift, you will feel the shame and failure that I endure every day.”

I would keep going, but I don’t want to make this thing too useful. It’s a (horrible) gift guide in addition to being a (horrible gift) guide. And that, my friends, is how a writer weasels out of a concluding paragraph.

First of all, you should definitely tell people you don’t like to yell at horses. it’s dangerous as hell, and the odds of being trampled are high.

Years ago, my sister’s boyfriend gave me a hollow ceramic Victorian boot. just one. it didn’t even have a plant in it. i wondered if you were supposed to take a piss in it. i thought it was a joke, but he wasn’t that smart. also, the huge, goofy ass smile on his face told me just how serious he was…AND PROUD!

The only gift i received that was worse than that was at a company Secret Santa party when i worked at Guess in downtown LA. An asian woman i had never spoken to bought me a silk flower that was embedded in a clear plastic vase filled with clear glass acrylic that resembled liquid. Pasted on the back was a sticker that stated “DO NOT WATER”.


this one's going to my ex boyfriend with a note "He has your eyes".
















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